FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
