So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Randomize
