He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
