I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
