its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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