Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
