I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
