i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
