someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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