the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
