I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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