fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
