peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
