Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
