we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
