Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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