just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
