Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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