Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
