My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
