Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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