New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
