Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
