Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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