I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
