Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
