I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
