apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
