i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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