im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
