This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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