i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
