Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
