Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
