I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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