Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
