I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
