The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
