Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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