her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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