Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
