You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
