so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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