My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
