So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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