If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
