Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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