Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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