Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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