A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
