You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Shame is for Republicans.
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